Understanding Attachment Styles: What are they and how do they affect you?
Jessica Bell
Jun 08, 2022
There are four attachment styles that people tend to fall into: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Each adult attachment style is characterized by different patterns of behavior in close relationships. Understanding your attachment style can help you to understand why you act the way you do in relationships and what you can do to improve them as relationships tend to be affected by attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
What is the attachment theory?
The attachment theory theorizes the long-lasting effects of the bond between children and their caregivers. Children who grow up in close proximity to their primary caregivers are able to receive comfort and protection, hence the formation of a healthy emotional bond.
This first experience of bonding may affect personal relationships, how we relate to other people and how we respond to emotional intimacy. According to pioneers of the theory, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, there are four main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure attachment styles.
Children develop a secure attachment style when parents play often with them and respond quickly and consistently to their needs. Securely attached children then become securely attached adults who feel comfortable in close relationships. They are able to express their feelings and needs openly and they feel confident that their partner will be there for them when they need them.
Securely attached people generally have positive relationships and are able to seek emotional support when needed. They also tend to have positive self-esteem and stable relationships.
However, not all people are able to experience this healthy nourishment during their early childhood. How does this lack of nourishment in the early years affect young adults and future relationships?
What are insecure attachment styles?
As a result of inconsistent attention care, rejection and unavailability, or unresolved issues by parents, insecure attachment styles develop in children. Eventually, they carry the insecure attachment style to adulthood and manifest themselves in later relationships. These attachment styles are anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment.
People with an anxious attachment style are often overly dependent. People with this attachment type are frequently jealous, nervous and insecure, exhibiting a lack of self-esteem. They want emotional intimacy but are afraid that others won't want to be around them. Individuals with this attachment style make romantic relationships the center of their life and may fixate on their partners.
To keep the relationship, they may resort to guilt tripping, controlling and manipulative behavior. A lot of constant reassurance and attention is demanded from romantic partners by individuals with this attachment style.
In contrast to the anxious attachment style is the avoidant attachment style, where instead of craving intimacy, it is avoided. Instead of yearning for closeness, they are so wary of intimacy that they seek to avoid emotional connection with others. They'd rather not rely on anyone else, or have someone else rely on them. People with this attachment style are independent and may withdraw as romantic partners and other people try to get close.
They are also more likely to downplay or ignore their partner's feelings, keep secrets from them, have affairs, and even terminate relationships in order to reclaim their sense of independence. People with the anxious attachment style may prefer casual relationships to keep an emotional distance in romantic relationships.
Lastly, the disorganized attachment style is characterized by intense fear, usually due to childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse from childhood attachment figures. Adults with this style of avoidant attachment believe they do not deserve love or closeness in a relationship. They may also find adult relationships confusing and may shift between extremes like love and hate towards their intimate partners.
They may display insensitive, selfish, controlling, and untrusting behavior towards their partners and may also refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. Adults with this attachment style are also more likely to exhibit negative patterns of behavior such as smoking, abusing drugs and alcohol, and violence.
How to deal with insecure attachment styles?
If you or your romantic partner has an insecure attachment style, it's vital to know that you don't have to live with the same attitudes, expectations, or behaviors for the rest of your life. It is possible to improve and acquire a more secure attachment style as an adult.
Therapy can be very beneficial, whether you're working one-on-one with a therapist or going to couples counseling with your current partner. A psychologist experienced in attachment theory may help you understand and feel more secure, either on your own or as a couple.
There are a variety of things you may do on your own to develop a more secure attachment style if you don't have access to effective therapy. Learn everything you can about your insecure attachment style, starting with it. The sooner you understand, the better equipped you'll be to spot and correct reflexive attitudes and behaviors associated with insecurity in your connection.
Below are some ways you can start developing a more secure attachment style:
Improve your nonverbal communication abilities
The attachment theory shows the importance of nonverbal communication, as children and their primary caregivers communicate nonverbally in the early stages of the relationship.
Even though you are not aware of it, you constantly transmit and receive wordless messages through the gestures you make, your posture, how much eye contact you make, and other things when interacting with others. These nonverbal signals send clear indications about what you truly feel.
Developing your nonverbal communication skills at any age may help you build and strengthen your relationships with others. By being present in the moment, learning to control stress, and enhancing your emotional awareness, you can learn to improve these abilities.
Improve your emotional quotient
Emotional intelligence (often referred to as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, utilize, and manage your emotions in a beneficial way to empathize with your partner, communicate more effectively, and deal with conflict in a healthier manner.
Building emotional intelligence can help strengthen your relationship by aiding you in improving how effectively you read and utilize non-verbal communication. Emotional intelligence may help to enhance a relationship by allowing you to better communicate your needs and feelings to your partner while also comprehending how they feel.
Create friendships with individuals who are securely attached
When you're in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style, you may find yourself being out of sync, rocky, perplexing, or even painful. While you can work through your insecurities as a couple, if you're single it will be easier to seek for a partner with a secure attachment style that can help you move away from negative patterns of behavior.
A good relationship with someone who makes you feel loved may aid in the development of your sense of security. According to statistics, around 50% of people have a secure attachment style, so there's a good probability of finding a love partner that can assist you overcome your fears. Equally, forming meaningful relationships with these individuals can also help you recognize and adopt healthier patterns of behavior.
Resolve childhood trauma
Trauma, as we've said before, can disrupt the attachment and bonding process in infants and young children. Childhood trauma might stem from a number of factors, including an unsafe or unstable home environment, being separated from one's primary caregiver, major disease, neglect, or abuse. Insecurity, fear, and helplessness may continue into adulthood if childhood trauma is left unresolved.
While your memories of the trauma may have faded over time, there are things you can do to heal, regain your emotional balance, and reconnect in relationships again.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an insecure attachment style, do not hesitate to reach out to Mosaic Minds Counseling.
